The problem with being told that you are too nice

Publish date: Monday, August 10, 2026 | Category: Executive Coaching | Read time: 6 min read | Author: Carolyn Charest, MC, MBA, CPHR, SHRM-SCP

I’ve been noticing a pattern with some of the executive women that I coach. Most of them are conscientious, team players, hardworking, accomplished, intelligent, experienced and educated. However, I’ve noted that many of them express frustration about being stuck in certain management roles, unable to reach the ranks of top leadership.

What the Research Shows

According to McKinsey and LeanIn's Women in the Workplace 2025 report, women hold just 29 percent of C suite roles, a figure that has not moved since 2024 after several years of gradual gains. The drop off happens well before the C suite: women make up 41 percent of managers, 39 percent of senior managers and directors, and only 35 percent of vice presidents, so the pipeline narrows at every level. On the CEO seat specifically, Fortune reported that women lead a record 11 percent of Fortune 500 companies in 2026, the highest share in the list's 72 year history, progress that Catalyst president Jennifer McCollum still called “stubbornly slow.” Individual differences in ambition certainly play a role. Yet the same McKinsey and LeanIn data found that 84 percent of senior level women want to be promoted to the next level, compared with 92 percent of senior level men, a gap far too small to explain the disparity in who actually gets there.

The business case for closing that gap is well documented. McKinsey's Diversity Wins research, drawn from more than a thousand companies across fifteen countries, found that companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on their executive teams were 25 percent more likely to report above average profitability than those in the bottom quartile, and that the likelihood of outperformance rises again once women make up more than 30 percent of the executive team. A decade of follow up data shows this relationship has only strengthened, with gender diverse executive teams now 39 percent more likely to outperform financially than their less diverse peers.

The barrier is not a shortage of qualified women, it is how women are perceived once they lead. Catalyst's long running research on the double bind describes a bind that is difficult to escape either way: women who lead assertively are seen as competent but not likable, while women who lead warmly are seen as likable but not competent enough for the top job. A 2018 Harvard Business Review study by Wei Zheng, Ronit Kark, and Alyson Meister, based on interviews with 64 female executives, named this the central tension women must manage throughout their careers, one that men in comparable roles are rarely asked to navigate at all.

The Coaching Insight

Often the women that I speak to in my practice are told that they are “too nice.” But what does that really mean? Must you embrace a “RBF” to reach the top? Due to the fact that it's primarily men that are the gatekeepers, they tend to use their own experiences and familiarity to judge indicators of success in candidates. Women that embody more feminine characteristics don't embody those traditionally masculine characteristics that we're used to seeing. As such they are often judged more harshly as they are more different and may not always be taken as seriously or appear as confident. Many of my female clients take this to heart as they genuinely want to do a good job and don't understand why they continue to take on more and more work without a clear plan to move up.

Five Things to Try This Week

Drawing from my Toastmasters experience as a Competent Communicator and Leader, I've summarized a few key action steps that women can take.

• Pause to avoid filler words, vocal fry and nasal tones: Do not end declarative sentences with a rising pitch as if asking a question. Speak from your chest voice rather than the back of your throat or nasal cavity to keep your natural pitch steady and moderate. This is backed by research: a study published in PLOS ONE found that vocal fry, the low pitched, creaky voice pattern common in young women's speech, made speakers sound less competent, less educated, less trustworthy, and less hirable to listeners of both genders.

• Use grounding techniques to manage anxiety before you speak: The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique, feet on the floor, the category game, box or triangle breathing, a self-compassion mantra, or gentle touch.

• Set boundaries: If you're available 24 hours a day, people won't respect your time as much. Having a life outside of work makes you more relatable. Use your supports and delegate rather than putting pressure on yourself to do everything others can do.

• Develop self-competency outside of work: For example, lift weights in the gym to feel strong, take voice lessons, or volunteer for a meaningful cause.

• Practice self-care: Get regular exercise, eat nutritious foods throughout the day, spend time with friends, and prioritize sleep.

Reframe Nice

You don't have to be overly accommodating, exceptionally sweet, and constantly putting the needs of others before your own. Allow yourself to take up the space that you have earned. You don't need permission to make room for yourself at the boardroom table.

Let's Talk

If this resonates and you're navigating something similar, I would love to hear from you. Reach out at hello@wellflow.ca and book a session.

Sources & References

1. McKinsey & LeanIn.Org. “Women in the Workplace 2025.” 2025. https://www.mckinsey.com/capabilities/people-and-organizational-performance/our-insights/women-in-the-workplace

2. Fortune. “Women run a record 11% of Fortune 500 companies in 2026.” June 2026. https://fortune.com/2026/06/03/how-many-women-are-fortune-500-ceos/

3. McKinsey & Company. “Diversity Matters Even More: The Case for Holistic Impact.” 2023. https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/diversity-matters-even-more-the-case-for-holistic-impact

4. Catalyst. “The Double Bind Dilemma for Women in Leadership: Damned If You Do, Doomed If You Don't.” 2007. https://www.catalyst.org/insights/2007/the-double-bind-dilemma-for-women-in-leadership

5. Zheng, W., Kark, R., and Meister, A. “How Women Manage the Gendered Norms of Leadership.” Harvard Business Review, November 2018. https://hbr.org/2018/11/how-women-manage-the-gendered-norms-of-leadership

6. Anderson, R.C., Klofstad, C.A., Mayew, W.J., and Venkatachalam, M. “Vocal Fry May Undermine the Success of Young Women in the Labor Market.” PLOS ONE, 2014. https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0097506